I try not to focus on the past. Letting go of the doctors that misdiagnosed me – and there were a few – has been an important part of healing for me. From the OBGYN in 2005 who said I was too young to have Cancer to the Thermographer in 2011 who said that, based on her heat sensing test, my growth was benign. And that was about a week before I found a lump under my arm that turned out to be lymph node involvement.
Obviously I still harbor some resentment. It’s tough to feel let down by people you trust to look out for your best interest. When I reflect on my journey to this point, I ask myself why no one ever recommended a mammogram. Why would getting more information have been a bad thing? I already addressed in this earlier post that I was afraid of Western medicine and found people to support that fear. So some of the blame falls squarely on my shoulders.
But I’d like to move on from blame, towards doctors and towards myself. Constantly looking in the rear view mirror will only make me crash the car I’m trying to drive forward. Also anger and blame seem to generate more anger and blame rather than run its course. And I have enough new anger to not have to deal with the old stuff.
So I’m using this post as a package to the Universe. A way to hand over ill feelings to those that failed me and to myself. And as for the title of this post, it’s my way of staying true to the imperfection that makes me human.