I left my husband today. I chose to do it for my health. We were together for 13 years.
I’ve written this post over and over. Cataloging the ins and out of what my husband and I did to get here. Trying to be honest about my part in everything. But as I think about what I want to say, I realize the details aren’t the point.
Sure it takes two to make or break a marriage. It’s technically sad when a union of 13 years dissolves. Things that look good on the outside are not always that way on the inside…I could go on…but I won’t. At least, not in this direction.
The truth is, without this diagnosis I probably would have stayed, continued to try to make things work. Because there is a lot of love there. But there is also a lot of stress. And a stressful environment is not a good one when battling cancer.
Part of the stress came from my husband’s controlling behavior and the other part came from my shutting down. What I’ve come to realize in the last few months is that to navigate all of this, I can’t be shut down. I really have to come to this eyes open, present, an active participant in the life I get to build. A life that I now know to be limited in time.
It is this real knowing of the finite nature of life that has pushed me to seek joy. Nurture self expression that I couldn’t find in the context of my marriage. It’s allowing me to stop second guessing that voice that has been telling me I’m unhappy. Because even though there were good times, I never quite felt reflected in my surroundings. It was like I was renting space in someone else’s world. And it’s time to live in mine.
Sure there are moments I’m scared. Scared of being alone. Scared of losing love. But I also have moments of great faith and trusting the Universe to provide exactly what I need. So today I’m leaping because, even thought the fall might suck, there will be a net. And because if I get to keep and cultivate myself with love, I have nothing else to lose.