I went to a conference today and had to leave after an hour of trying to stay cheerful and upright. It was nice to be around people but the hot flashes, combined with the post surgery pain and whatever aches I feel from my medication was enough to make me call it early. I also have a vocal cord issue because of everything which makes it hard to speak. Which, after all is said and done, is the real reason it’s hard to be in group of people.
The lost voice – which is from cancer growth pushing up against the nerve that enervates the voice box – is probably the hardest thing to deal with. It’s been horse to completely gone for over 5 months. And it’s something I can’t hide. It’s also something I have to wait to address.
What makes it so difficult to bear is that it’s almost a metaphor for a lifelong struggle: finding my voice. This voice I’ve been looking for in my writing, in my career, my relationship. I talked about my issues with following my bliss here. So for that reason it’s been tough to be consistent enough to hone in on a creative voice. In my primary relationship I find it hard to speak up for myself sometimes (although in other relationships I don’t seem to have that problem).
The purpose of this blog is to spill. To say things that are stuck in my head. It’s as weird to think that people will read my thoughts as it is to think that no one will read them. Finding a voice is great but if no one is listening then it’s like that tree that falls alone in the forest. Which, again, is a big reason I left the conference yesterday. Because, even in a forest filled with trees, I felt like the one tree that made no noise as the wind circled my leaves. And I don’t want to be a lonely tree.